Unival Reveals Paranormal Counter-Piracy Suite

 Humor,humour, piracy, pirates  Comments Off on Unival Reveals Paranormal Counter-Piracy Suite
Jan 312011

Naked Wiccan priestesses to defend seafarers, voodoo to protect

Unival, which markets the well-known HEDD1 bomb-drug-Elvis Presley detector which uses what the company calls “intangible science” to imbue telescopic radio antennae dowsing rods with magical aether is to launch counter-piracy measures using similar technology.

At a so-far undisclosed location near a bank an undisclosed number of specially-trained Wiccan High Priestesses have been equipped with an undisclosed number of crystal balls with which to monitor the proximity of pirates to client’s vessels. An undisclosed executive says: “Counter-piracy monitoring team is very well experienced. They have been handling balls for a number of years”.

Should a pirate threat be verified the Wiccan Priestesses will cast aside their clothing, dance naked in a circle and project curses through the ectosphere at the approaching skiffs, a process dubbed Synchronous Holistic Intervention Technology.

Says the Unival executive: “Balls and SHIT provide an all-encompassing protective zone that has proven as effective in this domain as the HEDD1 has proven effective in its domain”.

An optional protective measure available to clients is the provision of a highly decorated dried gourd rattle which can be shaken at attackers. Says a retired army colonel: “Acoustic deterrents are a well-establish technology. We have been criticised for the installation fee of $25,000 dollars per ship but you must remember this is a high quality product: each bead is a pulped and super-compressed copy of the Harry Potter book of your choice”.

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Aug 012009

Photographs may tell a thousand words, like this one from the 2008 MAIB Annual Reportcanal. It would be a pity to actually know what happened here.

Again, your alternative caption, please:

1) “Hogsworth found out the hard way that his skills as a champion steeplechaser did not translate well into operating a canal boat.”

2) “For the umpteenth time Felicity said: “’Living on a canal boat drives me up the wall’. Henry’s reason suddenly snapped…”

3) “They doubted whether Captain Weltzschmerz was quite ready for the Suez Canal”.

4) “Some find the Panama Canal’s new lock system quite challenging”

5) “Locks?” muttered Frobisher as he put her on full ahead, “I don’t need no locks…”

6) “ ’I don’t need GPS’, you said, ‘I don’t need AIS’ you said, ‘I’ve got my sextant and the stars to steer me by’ you said…

Can you do better?