Unival, which markets the well-known HEDD1 bomb-drug-Elvis Presley detector which uses what the company calls “intangible science” to imbue telescopic radio antennae dowsing rods with magical aether is to launch counter-piracy measures using similar technology.
At a so-far undisclosed location near a bank an undisclosed number of specially-trained Wiccan High Priestesses have been equipped with an undisclosed number of crystal balls with which to monitor the proximity of pirates to client’s vessels. An undisclosed executive says: “Counter-piracy monitoring team is very well experienced. They have been handling balls for a number of years”.
Should a pirate threat be verified the Wiccan Priestesses will cast aside their clothing, dance naked in a circle and project curses through the ectosphere at the approaching skiffs, a process dubbed Synchronous Holistic Intervention Technology.
Says the Unival executive: “Balls and SHIT provide an all-encompassing protective zone that has proven as effective in this domain as the HEDD1 has proven effective in its domain”.
An optional protective measure available to clients is the provision of a highly decorated dried gourd rattle which can be shaken at attackers. Says a retired army colonel: “Acoustic deterrents are a well-establish technology. We have been criticised for the installation fee of $25,000 dollars per ship but you must remember this is a high quality product: each bead is a pulped and super-compressed copy of the Harry Potter book of your choice”.
Finally, the entire crew on each client’s ship will be equipped with a small wax doll and a packet of needles. Says a Unival source: “Should pirates board the vessel crew retreat to the saferoom and stick the needles into the wax dolls”. Asked what effect this might have on the pirates he said: “Probably not much, but at least the crew will have something to do while waiting to be ransomed”.
A six month trial of the technology in Manchester by the Royal Engineers demonstrated its effectiveness beyond doubt. There was not a single successful Somali pirate attack on Manchester city hall during the entire period.
Colonel John Walsh, who is marketing the system says: “This is intangible science. I would not use in it a situation in which pirates might be present”.